Thursday, 5 March 2015

Careers Advice From my Uni Notebooks.

I have an exhibition coming up and I want to include some of the work I did whilst at Uni, so I looked in my uber efficient filing system and immediately found things that I wasn’t looking for to distract myself with. (The filing system is a cardboard box labelled “stuff from before 2012.” I’m just kidding, it’s not labelled.) Amongst such vital items as a receipt for shampoo and wine gums, I found all my old lectures notes. I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve ever read any of my lecture notes back, they are both sparse and baffling. My personal favourite are the notes from the careers lectures I attended in my second year. I didn’t use to pay that much attention in careers talks because I was busy planning what I would say when I came back to Uni to speak after I won the Turner Prize. I didn’t write down much, mostly just stuff lecturers said that I thought was funny. I didn’t even use to write down the names of the speakers because I figured I’d remember them. (Spoiler: I don’t remember.)

As I was reading them over I felt this careers advice to good to keep to myself, so I have transcribed everything I can read for your reading pleasure.

Things That Speakers said that I found Hilarious:

“It was written in a fortnight in the mid-nineties.”

“Things got a bit out of hand, the publishers got firebombed.”

“I dunno, take drugs I suppose.”

“I found a Narwhal Skull.”

“Don’t ever be afraid of the internet.” (With my own comment: Who is afraid of the Internet?)

“At the time I was really pissed off with DH Lawrence.”

Marginalia: a woman who is giving a dog that looks
like her some top notch careers advice.

 Careers advice in my own words:


Have a CV.

Get paid to do something.

Have some goals.

Never get a job in Publishing.

Marginalia: some old refugee mice
who are presumably looking for jobs. 

Notes to my friends I no longer understand:

Sometimes my brain is depressingly literal.

I miss that guy with the imagination airport.

Marginalia: a ghost who is sad because of bullies
but also 'cause his CV is rubbish. 

What I wrote when asked for my goals for 2031

Live alone. 
Drink herbal tea. 
Work out how to pull off more trouser based outfits. 
Get up before 10 am on weekdays.

So there you have it, never say I don't give you any good advice. Now go forth, get a CV and work out how to pull off more trouser based outfits and the world will be yours, my friends, the world will be yours.

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