The Summer Olympics are over for another year and I’m left wondering how I filled my days before I dedicated them entirely to watching obscure sports. What did I do before I knew the rules of canoe slalom and modern pentathlon? Work? Sounds boring. I also can’t help but notice that another Olympics has come and gone without me getting a medal. Which seems unfair given how badly I want one and how little I do in order to get one. I’m determined to come home from Tokyo 2020 with a gold medal in something, so between now and then I’ll be petitioning The IOC to make these things into sports.
1. Slow Blogging
I looked up the manifesto of the slow Blogging Movement the other week on the off chance I would finally find my people. Turns out I’m already slower than all the slow bloggers. The manifesto I found recommended slowing to once a week, so with my loose schedule of once a month I already have the competition beat. I could go slower if I thought there was a gold in it. Once a year? Once a decade? How slow could a blog be without being technically abandoned? I guess that’s the sort of thing the IOC iron out.
This is a drawing of a lion I did on the beach
I probably wouldn't get a medal for drawing on the beach.
2. Leaving Hesitant Answer Phone Messages.
I don’t mean to brag but I think I easily leave the most hesitant answer phone messages. This is because I’m always surprised by the beep and I’ve never put any thought into what I’m saying.
“Umm… Hello… this is Letty McHugh… I uhhh… I’m leaving a message for…Umm… Dr …Smith? It’s about the MS that I have?... So… yeah if they could ring me back on….Umm… Yeah on my number I guess… Thanks.
3. Bedroom Dancing
If bedroom dancing were an Olympic sport I already have a routine to Abba’s Fernando that I would be confident on qualifying with. My dilemma would be whether to put in the one to accompany Boney M’s Ra Ra Rasputin, where I lay on the bed and pretend to be a Cossack dancer. It would have a high difficulty value, but I’d worry that I’d lose marks on execution. Still, I’ve got 4 years to practise right?
Medal table of the future
I'm coming for you, Phelps.
4. Fork Throwing
Since I had that relapse in January that caused involuntary movement in my hands I have thrown many a fork across many a room and I have to say I can get some impressive distance on those things. I think this would be my weakest event because accuracy has always been an issue. Also, I’m pretty much recovered from that relapse now so my fork throwing days may be behind me.
If any of these events are approved for 2020 I’m pretty sure I’ll come home with an impressive medal haul, and if not my one-woman campaign to have fork throwing recognised as a sport will at least keep me busy until the Paralympics starts.