Tuesday, 29 March 2016

When You Play Barbie / Action Man Blind Date...

When you play Barbie / Action Man Blind Date obviously Buzz Lightyear is Cilla Black because he is the only toy in the toy box with a sufficient amount of gravitas to fill the role. Generally speaking, Horse Riding Barbie will get picked first because she is the only woman to still have both of her shoes, which is what Action Man looks for in a woman. Two shoes mean you are practical and you have your life more or less in order, one shoe means you are at least trying, no shoes and you may be lovely but you are so scattered you’d probably accidentally burn down the house. 

Glitter-princess Barbie usually gets picked last. She has those weird plastic knickers that are permanently moulded to her body and cannot wear trousers. Glitter-princess Barbie is widely accepted to be the inferior Barbie. As a dating prospect GPB is even below that Barbie with one foot chewed off.

To infinity and blind dates.

When you play Barbie / Action Man Blind Date, Action Man picks Barbie, never the other way round. This is because it is virtually impossible to tell one Action Man apart from another Action Man, even the Action Men’s own mothers would struggle, they all even have the same scar from identical bar fights. There is that one Action Man with a switch on the back of his head that makes his eyes move from side to side, but he is a shifty creep and the Barbie’s refuse to participate if he’s going to be involved. No one wants to date shifty eye action man, not even Glitter-princess Barbie.

When you play Barbie / Action Man Blind Date and everyone is paired off, the Barbie’s and Action Men go on a pleasure cruise to the luxury destination of the landing. Buzz Lightyear captains the ship because he is multi talented. There are a lot of disagreements on the pleasure cruise because people on Blind Date almost never get on and toys are no exception. The highlight of the pleasure cruise is undoubtedly the bungee jumping which takes place when the boat reaches the banister. Barbie and Action Men get a once in a life time opportunity to be tied together with elastic and thrown off the banister.

When you play Barbie / Action Man Blind Date and tragedy strikes it is Buzz Lightyear's unfortunate job to break the grim news to the rest of the toys. Horse Riding Barbie and her generic Action Man partner have been killed in a bungee jumping accident, murder is suspected, the Power Rangers have been called in to investigate. No toy is to leave the boat or interfere with the scene of the crime. Bungee jumping has been suspended until further notice.

Captain Lightyear runs a very tight ship.

When you play Barbie / Action Man Blind Date and the Power Rangers arrive they focus their investigation on Skate Boarding Barbie, who stands to inherit Horse Riding Barbie’s lands, stables and extensive shoe collection. The Power Rangers never really consider Action Man's victimology; he is obviously to generic to have any enemies.

When you play Barbie/ Action Man Blind Date and it turns out skate boarding has an alibi the Power Rangers look into glitter princess Barbie as a woman with pink plastic knickers permanently moulded to her body could be capable of anything. Things look bad for GPB when a witness reveals they overheard her saying she’d kill Horse Riding Barbie to get her hands on those boots, but the Power Rangers can’t find any compelling evidence linking her to the crime. After seventy - two hours the Power Rangers are forced to release Glitter- princess Barbie without charge.  Fortunately for GPB, Buzz Lightyear is also an excellent defence attorney.

When you play Barbie / Action Man Blind Date all the toys are shocked to learn of evidence suggesting the murder may have been targeting generic Action Man after all. This is a twist not even Buzz Lightyear saw coming, and he also plays Mystic Meg and can see the future.  

When you play Barbie / Action Man Blind Date the murderer is almost invariably the shifty eyed Action Man who didn’t get an invite to the pleasure cruise. A life time of standing out from the Action Man herd has left him twisted and lonely. Shifty eyed Action Man breaks down when he testifies, all he ever wanted to do was fit it and he killed generic Action Man to try and take his place, but once he got back with the other Action Men he stuck out like a shifty eyed thumb.  

Judge Lightyear lost his neck in a tragic justice related accident.

When you play Barbie / Action Man Blind Date shifty eyed Action Man is convicted by a jury of his peers with a unanimous guilty verdict.  When it comes to sentencing Judge Buzz Lightyear shows leniency and allows shifty eyed Action Man to serve a life sentence in a home for toys in need of rehabilitation instead of prison. Buzz Lightyear is generally considered to be the most liberal judge on the circuit and so no of the other toys are surprised. 

When you play Barbie / Action Man Blind Date shifty eyed Action Man always squanders his chance at rehabilitation by breaking out of the home for toys in need of rehabilitation and returning to his life of crime. Despite his crocodile tears for the jury, shifty eyed Action Man is shifty to the core and beyond redemption. He will stop at nothing in his quest to be included in Barbie /Action Man Blind Date. Shifty eyed Action Man must never be given that opportunity, because his ultimate goal is not find love but to kill and replace Buzz Lightyear as Cilla Black.

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