Lions are basically uncultured louts. They love bingo and drinking and Eighteen to Thirty holidays. I once saw I lion reading a magazine that was all about highlighting the physical flaws of other lions. I once saw another lion watch a lion cub fall down a sand dune and it just laughed instead of helping. Lions are more or less jerks.
Tigers are the most intellectual of the big cats. Tigers are all about book clubs and seminars. That classic thing that they say about tigers, that if you are being chased by a tiger you should shout at them in German and the tigers will be frightened off is only half true. So you should speak in German if you meet a tiger, but only because tigers believe that German is the true language of the intellectual. Tigers didn’t use to be intellectual, they used to be into stunts, but after the Great Go Cart Disaster of ninety-eight, they decided to get a new hobby. Lions have always been into bingo.
|Photographic evidence that Lions love bingo.|
That’s why ligers are so very rare, the intrinsic interests and values of tigers and lions are fundamentally incompatible. All ligers come from broken homes.
Leopards are mainly just insensitive and self-involved. If you have a problem, do not take it to a leopard no matter how close you think your friendship is. A leopard will never be interested in your problems. Maybe you’ve known that leopard for years, maybe he was Best Man at your wedding, maybe you helped that leopard through some really bad times it won’t make any difference. You know the famous saying: ‘You can’t expect a leopard to be anything other than a fair-weather friend.’
Hyenas are insecure and really susceptible to peer pressure. That’s why they go everywhere in a group and they are always laughing at each other jokes. That isn’t real laughter, that’s nervous laughter, hyenas are constantly afraid someone’s going to find them out. If you wanted to befriend a largish animal that you can really boss around I’d go for a hyena. A hyena will do anything to make you like it, so you could get it clean your room or do your homework or whatever. I wouldn’t do it because I’m not a user of people or largish animals, but if that’s the sort of person you are, go for it.
|I do not know what Pumas look like. |
I mean whoever took this genuine photograph didn't know what pumas look like.
Pumas are huge snobs. If you miss pronounce the name of a classical artist in front of a puma, they will give you such a withering look. You will want the ground to swallow you up. The daft thing about pumas is that they have nothing to be snobby about, they aren’t any bigger or smarter than the other big cats and they lost all their wealth investing heavily in monocles. It’s no use saying that to a puma though, because when they aren’t being snobby they are being violent. If you ever give a puma a reason it will cut you so damn fast you won’t even realise what’s happening.